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So what do you want?

If you want to achieve your wishes and desires, it’s important that you learn how to think in terms of what it is that you want, rather than what you DO NOT want. Yes, an understanding of what you don’t want to happen will help you avoid pitfalls from time to time, but it will not help you discover success.

Now, it may well be that you’ve read something like this before; after all, it’s advice that is given in just every self-help book and magazine article.

But I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about your ENTIRE thought processes working automatically in positive format for every waking moment, not just when you’re doing affirmations, or using a focussing routine like the one shown above. For some people, there is an almost invisible automatically NEGATIVE process going on; these individuals will, without noticing it or thinking it unusual, focus on what IS NOT, rather than what IS.

Consider these statements:

“It’s not very warm today…”

“There’s no way this can work! ”

“I’ve got hardly any xxxxxx…”

“I don’t want to look like an idiot…”

“I don’t want to say the wrong thing…”

“I wish you wouldn’t xxxxxx…”

 

All of these statements, and others like them, are looking at what is not; they are static statements, in that they encourage no change and/or impart no detailed information. There is a Buddhist principle that we become what we think; so think negative and you will become negative.

Now look at these:

“It’s cold today.”

“We have to find a different way to do this!”

“I must get some more xxxxxx.”

“I want to look as if I know what I’m doing.”

“I want to find the right words.”

“I wish you would yyyyyy instead of xxxxxx.”

 

Now you can see the difference – all of these make a detailed statement and/or encourage change.

Practice living the whole of your life with positive processes – it’s difficult when you begin and you’ll often catch yourself out, but in no time at all you’ll discover that you start to have a far more positive outlook on life generally.

Think positive and you will become positive!

Posted in Achieving, Behaviours, Communication, Emotions, Resources, Techniques Tagged with: , , , , , ,

Relationships

If we all had to be answerable to some kind of ‘relationships trade descriptions’ board, then most of us would be guilty of false promotion!

It’s very easy to complain that your partner has changed since you were first together, not so easy to recognise that you probably have, too. And if you find that relationships ‘always’ seem to go sour after a little while and that people just aren’t what they make themselves out to be, then wonder what they might say about you – and be honest with your answer! Many might say: “We should start as we mean to go on…” but what on earth is wrong with: “We should start as we mean to be…”?

Now, if that last statement causes you a wry grin, ask yourself why. Could it be that if you started as you meant to be, you think a relationship might not work? And if so, why not? Answer that question with total honesty and you might discover a life-changing truth!

One last thing: if you’re in a relationship and you find yourself complaining that your sex life isn’t very good, take a moment to wonder what your partner’s sex life is like…

Posted in Communication, Relationships, Resources, Techniques Tagged with: , , , ,

You’d better believe it!

Something that is bandied around a lot, but not always fully understood, is the importance of the belief and expectation system that we all have. “Believe it, expect it – and you’ll find it!” many a self-help book or therapist says. “If you can see it, you can be it!” goes another ‘positive mental attitude’ phrase. And there’s always Henry Ford’s: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re probably right…”

There’s truth in all of them – but there’re also hidden meanings that the subconscious can so easily take on board instead of that which we **consciously** mean. That first statement can so easily mean that you won’t get what you actually want, but that which you automatically believe and expect to receive, good or bad. “If you can see it you can be it,” works some of the time, but it can also be read ‘backwards’ so that if you **can’t** see it, you can’t achieve it – yet there are times when people achieve something almost by accident. And Henry Ford **might** have meant that if you can’t actually do something, then your mind already knows it, so you might as well not bother…

Belief, true belief, is essential for success but sometimes a little more difficult to find than we would like. The sort of positive belief that we need has to be as utter and complete as the belief that you are reading this email. Or that you know how to read in the first place. In other words, it needs to be so deep that you don’t have to even think about it – it’s inbuilt and totally natural.

One of the best statements to aid this sort of belief is: “Be careful what you look for… in case you find it.” It’s difficult to misunderstand that one, either at a conscious or subconscious level; it leaves you in no doubt that if you don’t look for what you want, then you’ll find what you’re looking for instead. So if the person who believes that people don’t like him/her searches for evidence that s/he is right, rather than wrong, bad news will be on the way!

When we seek anything, we ignore that which doesn’t fit the ‘search profile’ – and we keep on searching until we find what we were after. If you were searching through a drawer for a valuable coin, you probably wouldn’t remember the paper clips that you found, or the elastic bands, old receipts and so on… but if you believed that the coin probably wasn’t there in the first place you’d be seeking to NOT find it – and you’d take much more notice of all the other stuff… odd, maybe, but it’s the way the human mind works.

And there’s more to it. If you ‘know’ (truly believe at a very deep level) that something exists, you’ll search harder. Consider this scenario:

Somebody tells you he THINKS there’s a needle in a haystack but he’s by no means certain; if you find it though, you will receive a huge cash reward. You’d search for a certain length of time before you decide that it’s not there and then give up. But if you actually SAW that needle being thrown into the haystack, you’d search for a whole lot longer! If you know beyond doubt something exists, then it’s easier to find.

The point of all this might be obvious by now: the happiest people in life always look for exactly what they want to find and that which they **know** (truly believe at a very deep level!) is there – and they find it eventually, happily ignoring or not seeing everything and anything that doesn’t fit the search criteria. If they are searching for success, whatever success means to them, they won’t give up the search until and unless they find it. Even while they’re searching, they’re happy, because they **know** (truly believe, etc) that it’s just a matter of time until they find what they’re looking for. And it is.

To lend power to your own quest for success, just recognise that all successful people were unsuccessful at the beginning. The only reason that they became successful was that they found what they were looking for.

Posted in Achieving, Behaviours, Emotions, Resources, Techniques Tagged with: , , , , , ,

Let it go!

There are many times in life when something happens about which we feel mightily aggrieved. At those times, we might well look around us for the support of others, seeking one of those glances that says: “Yes, I know how you feel!” or: “My goodness! What a stupid thing that person just did!”

Often, it is over a relatively minor thing like somebody ‘cutting us up’ when driving, or maybe using the wrong lane and forcing us to stop or swerve; at those times, a commiserating grin from somebody else helps us to feel justified in our irritation. It’s the same with many minor perceived injustices; somebody slights you or calls you a name, you get wrongly accused of some small thing by somebody who just won’t listen, you lose something, or somebody cheats you in some way… in all those circumstances, we tend to turn to others for reassurance that **they** are still on our side.

And all of this is absolutely fine. It’s still not too bad when we ‘make a meal’ out of something; perhaps even ‘milking’ a situation a little for a bit of extra attention and reassurance of self-worth. Again, a perfectly human pattern of behaviour and, in the great scheme of things, totally harmless.

There are other times, though, when this behaviour pattern can cause serious difficulties. When something happens that cannot be addressed, no matter how much energy and time is expended upon it, then that’s when we can get into difficulties. We can spend an awful lot of time showing the world how hard done by we are, what a raw deal we’ve had – but that won’t change anything, except our mood and the way we function. It can drag us into a morose and negative way of being which is attractive to nobody and makes us even worse.

The answer is to simply Let It Go. Yes, it goes against the grain when somebody gets away with something at our expense. No, it isn’t fair. True, it shouldn’t happen if there was any justice in the world. But every bit of obsessing and showing the world how damaged you are won’t improve it.

I had a client who had suffered rape. A dreadful crime, but the case was dismissed – the reasons are not important here. She came to me some 5 years later, depressed, bitter, hating males and still seething with anger at the verdict of the court. There was no redress and nothing else to be done. She asked me to help her feel better in any way I knew how.

The details of the work are not important – what is important is that she eventually came to the recognition that she **enjoyed** the sympathetic reaction she got from people (and admitted that she was both intrigued and irritated that she didn’t get it from me). I suggested that it would be more fun when she could get on with her life, find a new relationship and let her resilience impress the hell out of everybody who knew her. At the time, this didn’t seem to make much of an impression but the next time I saw her, the change was startling. Bright clothes instead of dowdy, attractive hairstyle instead of functional, and so on.

“It was what you said about impressing people,” she explained. “I was angry at first but then it dawned on me that I was spending an awful lot of time trying to impress people already, by showing them how damaged and hurt I’d been. I realised that I’d had enough of it, so I took a deep breath and made the decision to change!”

It hadn’t been quick and it hadn’t been easy – but that client discovered the great truth; Let It Go and life can become more fun. And if a rape victim can do it, I should think almost anybody can.

Posted in Behaviours, Emotions, Resources, Techniques Tagged with: , , ,

But…

This time, we’ll begin with a look at an interesting and extraordinarily powerful word.

BUT…

:..is one of the most powerful words in the English Language. Used wisely it can empower, enlighten and inspire. Used UNwisely (as it almost always is) it can obstruct even attempting to find success of any sort and will quite often render a good idea totally sterile.

Consider this:

“I’d love to learn to drive… but… I’m frightened of the traffic.”

There are two distinct statements there, and the first one, the idea of learning to drive, has been completely stopped by the second, the observation of being frightened. The last statement that has been made is that there is fear in the psyche/ which will stop the rest of the idea from taking root in the mind. So let’s change things round a bit:

“I’m frightened of the traffic… but… I’m going to learn to drive!”

Now, that’s totally different; the negative part of the equation has now been completely overwhelmed by the object of it. The last thing that has been said – and that’s what the subconscious will work with – is that the objective will be completed. It’s inspiring and empowering. Of course, we didn’t just change the order of the statements – it was necessary to change “I would love to…” to “I am going to…” and that’s part of the power of this sort of work; it help us to produce a ‘will do’ statement, thus focussing the energies onto achievement, rather than on stagnation.

So it’s easy to use BUT in a very powerful way, but using the power FOR you rather than against you! Consider the following pairs of statements and see how it changes things when you reverse the order. Be sure to change the language so that you finish with a positive ‘will do’ statement.

“I’d like to meet more people… but… I’m uneasy in new situations.”

“I’d like to see about changing my job… but… my partner doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I should really do some exercise… but… I get tired very easily.”

“I want to learn to <anything>… but… I haven’t a clue where to start.”

 

Once again, make sure that the second statement has a ‘will do’ quality about it. You might find it difficult… but… it will help you to succeed!

Posted in Behaviours, Communication, Emotions, Resources, Techniques Tagged with: , , , , , , ,

Relationship work

Many times, relationship problems bow up ‘out of nowhere’, often because a few basic rules of sharing life and home with another individual are often either misunderstood or ignored completely. Here are three useful pointers:

In an argument (and we *do* all have them!) begin every sentence with “I” where you can. It’s very difficult to be provocative when you do this, and provocation never helped resolve an argument. Of course you wouldn’t try to WIN an argument would you!?! In a worthwhile relationship an argument should be about solving a difference, not scoring a win.

“I feel sick when we’re like this,” is far more self-sufficient and constructive than: “You make me sick!”

“The trouble is, I always feel…” is much better than “The trouble with YOU is…”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” is ok. “You never make any sense!” is not.

You get the idea…

Posted in Behaviours, Communication, Relationships, Resources, Techniques Tagged with: , , , ,

Life Dumps

Sometimes, life play one of its cosmic jokes and dumps on us – big time. Well, there are several ways we can help ourselves to cope with those occasions…

We can assume and believe that life does things FOR us and not TO us – and if you believe it you’ll always discover it to be absolutely true. You’ll never see it at the time, but keep believing it and you’ll see that the jig-saw DOES just fall into place, eventually. Of course, if you don’t believe it, then you’ll never observe that happy fact because you won’t be looking for it and you’ll find instead, exactly what you look for instead – that life dumps on you pointlessly and that it’s not fair. Not half so useful as believing that good will come from even the most uncomfortable experience and discovering it to be true!

We can discover what part WE played to bring about the latest catastrophe – most of the time, folk seek to prove that it was NOTHING to do with them, that it could not have been avoided… so they can very easily have exactly the same thing happen again. They have to believe that it was out of their control, while those who seek out their part in the event(s) recognise that they are at least partly in control of their own destiny. It feels better that way.

We can recognise that once something has happened, it can never be Unhappened and no amount of loud cursing will ever change that fact. Shouting, yelling, accusing and apportioning blame just makes us feel worse by changing our body chemistry – and whatever has happened has still happened. Kicking a door in means that whatever has happened has still happened AND you have a door with a hole in it…

And when somebody criticises you, recognise that they are telling you something about themselves, not anything about you. YOU know how YOU are – the other person is only telling you what THEY think – and what they think is based on their own self and is nothing to do with you at all. A person suffering from overweight might accuse somebody whose build is normal of being anorexic; somebody who is anorexic might accuse that same person of normal build of being as fat as a pig. A male who’s ‘past his prime’ might accuse a youngster of being ‘sex mad’. A woman who thinks – or fears – herself plain, might refer to an evidently attractive woman as ‘a little tart’.

So be careful when you deliver a criticism!

Posted in Behaviours, Communication Tagged with: , , , , , , ,

Blame it on Australopithecus!

People used to say (and still do!) “I blame the parents…”

Well, the reason why many of us are the way we are probably has a lot more to do with relatives that are just bit further back than our parents… about three-and-a-half million years further back to be more precise!

Australopithecus is (currently) regarded as the earliest hominid and the ancestor to modern man; they stood just over a metre tall and were apparently nomadic, wandering the land and living from hand to mouth as they travelled. In those days, just to survive was success and since they were probably devoid of most of the social restrictions and inhibitions that we have today, that survival would have been at the expense of those less well-equipped. So, gradually, the process of natural selection ensured that those who were most able to survive – the selfish ones, the strong ones, the sharp and the quick – would survive for longer, breed more, and produce an ever-increasing number of progeny that inherited those same characteristics.

Almost 3.5 million years and several evolutionary changes later, the first modern human, Homo Sapiens Sapiens (that second ‘Sapiens’ is usually omitted) appeared, about 150,000 years ago… a creature with all the savagery and self-survival instincts that had been handed on for almost TWO MILLION generations, but with a brain and thought processes that surpassed anything known. Clever enough, later on, to outwit the massively built, immensely strong, but slow-witted Neanderthals; ruthless enough to destroy the apparently gentle and artistic Cro-Magnons. In case you’re wondering, neither of those are our ancestors and both became extinct some 30,000 years ago.

All of us today have inherited those same genetics that led to the survival of our species… the intelligent ruthlessness, the selfishness, the desire to control, and it is only the thin membrane of civilisation that sits between our instinctive and social selves. What’s certain is that every one of us has a direct line going all the way back to those first hominids, so it’s a fair bet that what Australopithecus parent taught to Australopithecus child is still alive and kicking, albeit in a modified form.

So next time you catch yourself – or anybody else – behaving in a less-than-considerate manner… blame it on Australopithecus!

 

Posted in Behaviours, Resources Tagged with:

Engage brain before opening mouth!

I’ve often heard the saying ‘Engage brain before opening mouth!’ but I wonder if you ever thought about the fact that as you behave towards others tells them what will affect YOU under similar circumstances? This might not seem so profound until you realise that if you shriek abuse at somebody in an argument, you are giving the other person a powerful weapon to attack you with next time!

After all, if you’ve tried to hurt somebody, you must believe that the weapon is an effective one or you would not have used it. And the only way you could know it would be effective is by accessing how it would make YOU feel… so you might want to ‘engage brain before opening mouth’, next time you get into a squabble!

Posted in Communication, Resources Tagged with: , , ,

You make me sick

Many people say ‘You make me sick’ to somebody in an argument… but hopefully this article will help you reconsider using this statement.

Truth is, though, that nobody can MAKE you feel anything, Now, many people want to argue with that statement, believing that it is a fact that certain people CAN make them feel a certain way. But consider these possibilities:

  • Somebody you just can’t stand says: “Right, I’m going to MAKE you like me!”
  • Somebody you think is a crushing bore says: “Now I’m going to MAKE you laugh so hard you’ll wet yourself!”
  • Somebody you know who cheats and lies tells you: “I’m going to MAKE you believe I’m the most honest person you know!”

How much chance would those people have? None at all, probably. So nobody can MAKE you feel anything – the feelings you get are from your own inner self. If you tell somebody that they ‘make you sick’ then all you are doing is handing them power to change your emotional state without you having any say in the matter.

If it were possible to MAKE somebody feel feelings of my choice, I’d learn how to MAKE everybody feel happy!

Posted in Behaviours, Communication, Relationships, Resources Tagged with: , ,

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